Lonely Saturday

Nov 6th,

Ok, so today was my first day feeling really really lonely.  Its weird… at work, I always have something to do, and people to talk to.  Everyone at the office is awesome.  But now, throw me on a weekend by myself, in a new place to live, with no tv and no internet, where I don’t really know the other people around….  And OMG it’s an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. 

I don’t know what it is.  Maybe I’m just not really good at being by myself.  Granted, I value my alone time, like most people do, but I value it most when I’ve been running around like crazy, and I just want to sit down and be mindless for a bit.  Watch some tv.  Rent a movie.  But here… I can’t do that!  Haha.  It sucks how dependent on technology we are.  I hate sitting around, with my mind swirling, going “what the hell am I going to do with myself now?”  I mean, I had things to do, I had to go to the grocery store (that was interesting…), and I had to go and pick things up to try to get my room organized since I don’t have a dresser… but I don’t know. 

I was fine grocery shopping.  Happy actually.  I woke up, had a slow start to the day, and grabbed my rolling suitcase to try to find the store.  I didn’t know exactly where it was, but I heard it was back in the neighborhoods somewhere.  Unfortunately, I took the most round-about way there possible, so it took me an extra 30 minutes or so.  Fine on a beautiful day.  Not when you have other things that you want to do (there was a rose festival going on… more on that later).  So anyway, finally I make it to the store, go through my list and get some things that I needed.  Should be enough for a bit.  Its weird… I don’t really know how to grocery shop!!  I don’t know how to plan meals, I don’t really know how to cook… and its not nearly as fun when you’re just doing it for yourself. 

Anyway, I got what I needed (saved a decent amount), and headed back for the trek home.  Then, I rushed to put things away, Carl the landlord came by, and still wasn’t able to connect the internet (they dropped off the wrong type of modem?), so anyway, he showed some other guys through the place to the open rooms, and I headed out.  I was going to meet Matt and Carla at the Rose Festival on the other side of town.  Unfortunately, since I took my sweet time this morning, and the grocery store turned into more of a grocery excursion, I got there way later than I wanted, so Matt and Carla were ready to go by the time I got there. 

It was a nice festival though, the rose gardens are beautiful!  And there was all kinds of food, crafts, booths, etc as well.  Not to mention the fact that the park is just absolutely gorgeous!  I love how scenic and green all the parks are.  And I do mean ALL of them really.  So anyway, I hung out there a while, Matt and Carla headed on to do the Auckland Museum, and I took photos of the park.  Took my time, wandered through, and then once I left that, I decided I was going to find my way home, by taking other streets I had never been down.  I had a nice little walk in the sunlight around Parnell.  Its really nice over there.  Nice homes, clean, quiet, and just beautiful.  Expensive though it sounds.  Maybe if Kyle comes we can look for a place out that way… though it’s a tad far from work.  Ah well, who knows. 

Anyway, I found my way back to Parnell road, wandered down there, and checked out some of the street shops.  I want to get a book really bad.  Something to read.  Unfortunately, its like, $30+ to buy a book.  Any book.  Even on sale!  I need to find a Library, or a second hand store or something.  So this is about when I started to feel really lonely.  Wandering through the city, by myself.  Thank goodness it was a nice day, so I had a reason to be outside all of it pretty much.  But still.  I wandered through, and found Albert Park again.  Started texting Mom on the way.  Thank goodness I decided to do that.  We had a little chat via text, and I told her I was feeling lonely, didn’t know what to do with myself.  I sat down in Albert park in the sun while we texted back and forth.  It was nice.  She made me feel better, gave me some ideas of things to do on my own around town.  But you know, I still teared up a bit.  I miss everyone at home a lot.  I’m still a little sad… like in that “I could cry at the drop of a hat” stage.  I’m not used to being alone.  Like, AT ALL really.  At home, I always had something to do, or someone around.  Whether it was work, or working out with Gen or Amy, or Heather, watching tv with Mom and Gary, running errands with them, going out to dinners with people, or just going out just to be out…but always WITH someone.  It’s SO WEIRD being in a place where you only have a couple of friends.  And even so, Matt and Carla are married, they have plenty of things they want to do on their own, just the two of them.

I think I’m a bit jealous of them.  More like, that they have each other.  Always someone there.  After work, on the weekend, when you’re bored or lonely.  I mean, I have Kyle too, but he’s so far away, and the time difference is proving to be a bit harder than I had hoped, being that right now, at almost 9:00 at night, he and everyone else at home are fast asleep.  And I have no reason to feel this overwhelmingly lonely… its ONE DAY by myself.  I don’t know.  It’s hard for me for some reason.  I think its just knowing I don’t have access to anyone, even if I wanted it. 

On the positive side, I did meet some of the other people in this complex today.  They seem alright.  The one girl, Joanna, is actually really nice.  She and I had a nice conversation when I came back from my second round of errands (after Albert Park, I went to get some stuff for my room at the Look Sharp Store), and she let me plug into their internet for a minute to check my email and upload a blog post.  There is a party going on next door tonight (literally in the building attached to mine) that I have been invited to.  No idea when that is happening, but right now people are eating and showering and whatnot.  I made a salad.  I was hungry… but not really anymore.  I made it, and then sat down and went “well, its me with my salad.  Nice.”  Hahahaha.  Its so funny how much I’m affected by this.  I actually can’t wait for Monday when I can go back to work.

Maybe tonight will be fun, and the party next door will be cool, and I can really get to know more of the people here.  Maybe they’ll be people I enjoy spending time with.  Who knows.  Joanna said everyone is really nice, and they’re all “sane,” haha, so we’ll see.

I know I say this in just about every post, but I hope that Kyle comes.  I want to be a couple SO bad walking around the city.  Its funny how overwhelming the feeling of wanting him here is.  All the time too.  I see things that make me think of him, I go places that I wish he was with me at.  I want to go places, and I want him to go with me.  Sucks.  Well, its good but it sucks when I realize that might not happen.  That I might be here alone for a year.  It’s a little daunting right now.  But I’m sure that everything will be fine and I will make more friends, and be overwhelmed with things to do, like I always seem to be. 

I kind of just want to go to bed.  I don’t even really want to go to the party.  But I’m going to go anyway.  Cause its probably good for me.  And my lonely-ness.  Haha.

Alright, enough for now.  Guess I should eat my salad.  I did walk a few miles to get it :-P !